Hindsight is always 20/20.
It was true when we very suddenly lost my sister in law and it’s true here after losing our precious Wilson.
I’m a very logical person. I make decisions based on facts and tangible evidence. Not feelings or intuition. However, when I got into my third trimester with Wilson, I started having feelings of anxiety and kind of a doom that something was going to go wrong. I remember noticing similarities with my first pregnancy that also ended in a very traumatic birth. Nothing health wise. I’ve been fortunate to never have any pregnancy complications with me or my babies so far, but I was extremely physically and mentally exhausted in both pregnancies, the same discoloration showed up in the exact same spot on my neck, I had a weird rash in my groin area pop up out of nowhere with my first pregnancy and a hard sort of painful bump in the same spot with Wilson, among some other things.
I brought it up to my midwife and doula and, as is their job, they reassured me that there wasn’t anything to worry about. Everything was fine and every pregnancy and birth is different. Fear and anxiety are normal feelings during pregnancy.
I also didn’t have any desire to nest or prep or buy anything we sort of needed. I didn’t want to do a maternity photo shoot like I’d done with my first pregnancies, mostly because we didn’t have $500+ to drop on photos but I also didn’t feel like going through the whole thing. We did end up doing a DIY maternity shoot in the forest but even that got derailed a bit.
I didn’t want to have a baby shower because I always had to plan my own with my first two babies and it was so much work, money, and time just to have most people either schedule something else to do instead or just not show up because they forgot. I just didn’t want to go through all of that again. I was just tired. Plus we already had most of the things you need for a baby. All I needed was boy clothes since I only had girls, but I’d already bought all the clothes he would need for his first year at my local Rhea Lana’s children’s pop up consignment shop. However, I had amazing friends from my MOMCO group who asked me if I was having a baby shower and upon learning that I wasn’t having one, they immediately jumped to planning one for me and it was beautiful and so kind.
On top of all of that, I just couldn’t kick this doom and gloom feeling that something was going to go wrong. And maybe the parallels I connected to my first pregnancy were contributing to it, but I even started taking homeopathic remedies that help address feelings of anxiety and fear. Even weeks of taking them, there was still that niggling feeling that wouldn’t go away. The feeling lessened, but it never fully went away.
I distinctly remember having a gut feeling similar to this just before my oldest turned one. My parents were visiting my grandad in a different state and mentioned flying us out there to see him. I had a strong feeling that we needed to go so my oldest could meet her great grandad and he could meet his first great grandchild, so last minute we flew out there. My grandad died a month and a half later.
I remembered that instance of following my gut then after we lost Wilson and I kick myself for not listening that time when it was much more persistent for a longer time. But as I said earlier, I’m extremely logical and there was nothing wrong with him or me. No complications or anything that posed any sort of risk besides having one prior c section four years earlier and a very successful and uncomplicated home birth VBAC after that. He was always moving around and had a strong consistent heartbeat at every appointment. I’d convinced myself that I was worrying for nothing because people bring their babies home all the time. I had a biophysical profile done to make sure he was healthy and happy, which he was perfect and passed with flying colors. There was nothing physically wrong; nothing to logically prove that things were so suddenly going to go tragically wrong.
If I had followed and acted on my gut feeling, then I would most likely be holding my sweet boy now and watching him grow up with his sisters.
Yes, fear and anxiety are normal feelings during pregnancy, but at the same time, I’ve learned that your gut, intuition, Holy Spirit, or whatever you want to call it is very strong and often right. It’s important to listen to it. Bring up your concerns with your provider. Don’t let them brush your concerns aside. Take matters into your own hands if you have to and get checked even if it turns out to be nothing. Be willing to change your birth plans if you feel you need to. Especially if you can’t shake the feeling. I’m going to be extra sensitive to my gut feelings from now on and especially during my rainbow pregnancy.
